So first off my name is Tionna Taylor. Im actually at my grandpa's workshop and its cemnt floor everywhere and its so cold and old you cant feel your hands or anything else it feels like your stuck in a freezer and my chin wont stop moveing it chattering so fast and so much ! Well i brought my hampster because i know i was gonna be super bored waiting for grandpa to get here because i come early cause i have a key to get in and i just like to wait and chill before he gets here because when we work....we work. Wel my hampster is very beautiful her name is Princess and she is light orange. She is very calm and has never bit anyone! Well now im bored so i think i just want to play with princess for a bit. So i get up and walk to her castle cage and take her out. I walk over to my grandpas desk where his computer is and i start holding her and she is crawling everywhere up my arms to my neck ew! and it tickles so much its like someone its touching you with feathers everywhere and wont stop and it feels like a bunch of little ants crawling all over you so fast and i cant stop laughing, lord princess is all over the place.
So its raining and snowing and thunder with lighting all at the same time, and were just chilling having fun, Im eating cupcakes and drinking Hot CoCo and feeding Princess carrots and celery. Then all of a sudden the lights just go out and i got scared and dropped Pincess and all of our food and the Hot CoCo spilled all over me and it burns like hell it feels like a whole pot of boiling water tha t just spilled all on you like my skin is burned up with a big rash and im sure i have a big blister and i cant find a towel or anything to wipe it off so i just have to be scared and parinoid and burn into i cool off. So now im just sitting here freezing, alone,in the dark thinking the lights are gonna cut on in no time but then 10 minutes pass of loneyness and darkess freezing cold. so now i start calling for Princess and i hear some crunching noises like something with sharp teeth is munching on some celery so im thinking its Princess and i go and try my hardest not to run into something but next thing i know i trip on one of my grandpas cords and "BOOM" i fall so hard and my knee scrapes on a needle so now im bleeding like crazy and it stings so bad and im trying to keep quiet cause i dont know what could be in this dark.
So after that i got really scared and i just sat in the corner balled up trying to make my self warm. thrn i see a vision of someone standing in the door way but i dont say anything i was to sfrair and i also kinda seenPrincees sitting right next to the scripture of a man and the guy or whatever it was bends down and picks her up and walk away. Im not sure if that was Princess the guy picked up because she normally trys to run away if she doesnt know the person. So i kinda thought it was grandpa but then i thought nooo cause he would have been like hello anyone here and thaat person didnt. So i didnt think that was Princess so after 5 minutes pass i try looking for her again.
I crawl around touching the cold floor trying to make a sound or hurt myself nore hurt my scarp on my knee. So i finally got to the crunching noise i pick up the little mammal thinking its Princess finding out its a RAT! And i scream and i bites the shit out of me and for some odd reason the light just cut right back on and i see grandpa and he says "whats rong?! and what in the world are you doing here you look so cold and hurt !" i say " i got dropped off by mom and the lights just go out i scarpped my knee trying to find Princess i picked up a animal that looked like her and it was a rat so i got bit and some wierd guy had Princess i think". grandpas says " we;; tionna it is rainging and storming the power cut off when i came here i found that out so i went to the back and fixed it so it just cut on and i didnt think you would be here because of the horrible weather and that wierd guy was me princess is in the car im her cage nice and warm and i didnt say anything because i wouldnt think you was here" " ohhhhh ok lol i was really scared but here i am im glad you are here to " i said. " Well no problem now go get in the car so we could take you to the doctor you have a scraped knee , burn markes with blisters everywhere, and i swolling finger from your poisin bit from the rat ".
Now i feel so safe and warmed up the pain isnt even getting my attention and im just so happy that im safe and Princess is also safe it feels like i won a million dollars and that everyone that passed away is just back to life thats just how happy and good i feel inside! Well thats my little story of how i survied inside of a darked room alone and the cold hurt! =)
The most important thing I need to tell you about this does NOT have to do with sensory detail, but with SENTENCE STRUCTURE. You are in the habit of stringing way too many sentences together without enough punctuation. So for one example:
ReplyDelete"Im actually at my grandpa's workshop and its cemnt floor everywhere and its so cold and old you cant feel your hands or anything else it feels like your stuck in a freezer and my chin wont stop moveing it chattering so fast and so much !"
This should be more like this:
Im actually at my grandpa's workshop. Its cemnt floor everywhere and its so cold and old you cant feel your hands or anything else. It feels like your stuck in a freezer, and my chin wont stop moveing it chattering so fast and so much !
I hope it's clear how I made those sentence breaks...again, the most important thing you can work on in your writing at this point is to get in the habit of breaking your sentences down into shorter chunks. I'd like you to go over your posts and try to edit two or three of them in this way, looking for run-on sentences and breaking them down. Start with this one, and let me know when you've done it. Need help? Ask and we can work on it together. :) Thanks!
ok lol
ReplyDeleteok lol
ReplyDelete